10 Things I'm Afraid to Tell You

Hello friends! This is going to be a slightly different kind of post, and I hope you don't turn away from it too quickly. As I was listening to one of Jenna Kutcher's episodes on the Goal Digger Podcast, I was deeply inspired. Jenna listed out ten things she was afraid to tell people. No sugar coating, no cherry on top. Inspired by Jess Lively, she had the intention of being real with those who followed her. She didn't just want them to know the perfect looking Instagram Jenna, but she wanted them to know the parts of her that were the most human, the parts that were a little messier, a little uglier. The parts that weren't polished and shiny. The parts that made her who she was.

Today, quite nervously, I am aiming to do the same, to get these things off of my chest. I am going to tell you 10 things that would never come up in a first-time conversation, or the second, or even the third or fourth. I hope that through Jess and Jenna and now me, you can be inspired to share your ugly side, the side you need to work on, with someone who can help you and uplift you along your journey.

Here it goes...

1. I'm really good at isolating myself.

This, I have learned, is both a positive and a negative thing. I have always been a very independent person, and it is one of the traits that I take pride in. However, it is also really easy for me to be comfortable with doing a LOT by myself, which isn't always good. Sometimes it's easier for me to go through the motions, if you will, by myself instead of getting other people involved. It doesn't make me sad or lonely, but it also takes away that social interaction that I know I need.

2. I suck at body image.

I think a lot of girls struggle with this, and I just want you to know that you are not alone. Every day when I look in the mirror and see the red splotches left over from years of acne, it's hard. I wish I could walk around confidently and not care what people think when I choose not to wear makeup. I am also constantly comparing and wishing I had thinner legs, thinner arms, thinner everything. The media makes it hard for anyone besides seriously thin girls to feel confident about their bodies. I've learned the hard way that it is 100% true when they say comparison is the thief of joy, and it's something I am working hard on letting go.

3. Rest is impossible for me.

I am a busy bee, in all essence of that word. Naps never work out, as much as I would love to take one. I tend to become diagnosed with cabin fever after only a couple of hours of relaxing at home. If I am not always constantly doing something productive, I have a literal knot in my stomach that leads to stress about everything I want/have to get done for that day. This also makes me a terrible listener because I constantly have thoughts running through my head and my mind is spinning a thousand miles an hour 24/7. Of course, this characteristic has perks like dealing with very little procrastination. I get things done, and I am very productive. But it also wears me out, makes me tired, and causes a LOT of unnecessary stress.

4. I am a workout junkie.

You may be thinking, Liv, I WISH I was a workout junkie, what's the big deal about that? Well, what if I told you I wish I wasn't? I have come to the point where a lot of the time I can't feel good about myself, about the things I choose to eat until I have worked out. I have to find a way to justify every dessert, every unhealthy snack, and every craving I have for something that isn't healthy and green. If I cannot justify it, I am usually left drowning in guilt. This guilt leads to more exercise and a vicious cycle of eating, feeling guilty and disgusting, and then some type of workout to make up for it. I wish I didn't view exercise or food this way, and I wish I could force myself to take breaks and not constantly be thinking about making sure I have time for that run or gym routine.

5. College is a struggle.

Instagram may make you think differently, but college has been a struggle in numerous ways from the workload to homesickness, to making sure I don't gain the freshman 15, to making friends... it may seem like all fun and games, but at the end of the day, sometimes I just want to collapse on my bed and cry. The constant pressure of taking on adult tasks, balancing work and play, spending money wisely, it all catches up to you eventually. Plus, friendships are hard. I am terrible at comparing myself to other people like I said before, and I can also become extremely jealous when it comes to friendships. In the back of my head, I am constantly wondering if they even really like me, if they think I'm fun, funny, and exciting. I also struggle with turning friendships into a competition, like I have to win that person over, which I know is terrible and honestly just causes a lot of pressure and sometimes sadness. It is something I have to choose to see differently, something I have to work on.

6. I have suffered from depression and self-harm.

I don't mean to bring this up for you to feel bad for me, but I bring it up so that anyone who is going through similar situations can know that I am healed and happy and SO far away from where I was. 8th and 9th grade were some of the hardest years of my life. I would hear voices in my head telling me all sorts of horrible things. I was angry and upset all of the time. But, here I am. I am not afraid to bring it up because I believe self-harm and depression don't get brought up enough in conversation. It's a topic we easily divert from. I want to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It will come. For me, that light was an answered prayer in the form of Jack Coning.

7. Contentment doesn't come easily for me.

I have a hard time focusing on the present day. Instead, my thoughts tend to fast forward into the future and before I know it my day is gone. I am one of those people constantly seeking the next best thing and that leads to hardly ever being satisfied where I am. I have a hard time with complacency. I want to be moving and changing and growing but in different places, in different ways. Perhaps that's why I love to travel, but it's also why I have a hard time blooming where I am planted before I am ready to move on. I am a plan that grows tired of the same rays of the sun, the same water, the same air. I need new soil in order to feel alive again.

8. OCD is an enemy of mine.

For about the past year, checking OCD has kept me up at night. I have this routine where I have to check all the empty spaces around my house and bedroom before I can go to sleep. I have to check all of the locks, usually multiple times, the closets, the garage, the porch, etc. before I can comfortably get to sleep. I think I do this out of fear that someone will break in or that someone is hiding in the house (even though I know there isn't going to be anyone there). I'm not sure where this stems from, and I have always been way too embarrassed to bring it up.

Besides that, I have to make sure my phone's volume is at exactly 7 blocks loud for my alarm, and I silence my phone and make sure my alarm is switched at least 5 times before I go to sleep. This may seem like an easy thing to stop, but once it gets so ingrained into your brain, it's hard to let go. It's like a perpetual nervousness that I can't seem to get rid of, and some nights are better than others.

9.  I still doubt God.

I feel like a lot of people look up to me because of my faith. I couldn't find a more important area of my life to be known for, and I am eternally grateful for that. But, it hasn't always been a smooth path. I have a hard time talking about the rough patches of my faith journey because I don't want people to be taken aback by that. But, today I am here to tell you that I still have doubts. My faith still comes and goes and waves. However, I am also here to tell you that the God I know and love has never left my side during those times of doubt, and He will never leave you either. So, don't beat yourself up for doubting or for the days you just aren't into it. You will have those days. It just so happens that God uses those days more than you think He does. He uses those to say, "no matter how far you turn from me, I am still just around the corner ready for when you come back." Doubts lead to deeper faith.

10. My love language is also my greatest fault.

I highly recommend taking the Love Languages quiz if you haven't already, it's amazing! My love language is acts of service, which is also the love language I display the best to other people. Unfortunately, a lot of the time, it's to a fault. I take on a lot simply knowing that I can get it done the fastest, the easiest, the best... and it causes me to get in the way of stuff I know people can handle on their own. But I want to do it for them because I am kind of a control freak when it comes to making sure everything is done the right way.

So, WHEW! You made it through. Man, I cannot tell you how nervous to actually hit "publish." And if you are reading this sentence, it looks like I actually went through with it. It was almost like a teeny, tiny therapy session.

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I didn't write this post to make you feel bad for me, or because I am self-obsessed and didn't know what else to write about. No. I wrote this to show you the side of me that doesn't come out on social media. The side that is more real than any Instagram picture or Facebook status. If I think you deserve to know the filtered, pretty, perfect looking me, then you also deserve to know the slightly disheveled, darker, deeper side as well. Thank you for listening.

I want to thank Jenna Kutcher for sharing her heart and inspiring me to share mine. I don't know exactly what you are thinking right now, but I hope you were able to relate in some way.

Or maybe, you too were inspired to create your own list and share it with someone who would benefit from knowing the real "you."

Could you relate to anything on this list? If so, what?

I would love to know I'm not alone, and you aren't either.